You know that feeling when your mouth is like a pathetic zip-lock bag that's about to burst open with what's on your mind and what's on your heart? The moment of temptation, when everyone - any nearest, available person somehow seems capable of swallowing all that's on your mind and because you're so desperate for someone to hear what you so badly need to say you really almost slip up and start your word-vomit?
I've had that a million times today.
One was bad enough. One occasion to fake a smile and enthusiasm and hide my frustrations and questions. I thought that was it. Now I've another and this time it's unavoidable. It concerns my love for ACJC and how can I go on faking it, when faking it will hurt my loyalty to AC? It hurts so much to not be able to find the courage to speak of my heart's aches to anyone, without worrying for my dear life.
I worry for many reasons. Firstly, you could be involved in the former, so I can't exactly say it to you or I'd seem like an asshole. Secondly, I can't speak of the latter to you too because you're involved in it too, and speaking of it would just make me sound like another sour-grape, ranting asshole. So no, I can't speak to you about it either.
As I'm typing this out in half-courage, and half-anxiety, I'm really trying my best to breathe and write an emotionless entry. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking, only because I'm so desperate to scream and cry it all out to you, but you aren't here.
I'm alone at home, and I'm too chicken to call you up.
Yes Mark is going through that phase. That phase he goes through everytime he faces a new beginning. Marissa is still oblivious, and Dan cannot be any more pissed off at me right now for doing the over-analytical-really-sensitive-to-my-own-peril thing that I always do. It's not that I want to. I can't help it.
Don't ask. I probably won't tell. Just, let me say my peace and I appreciate you bothering to read.
! dug deep in the sand
