I'll admit. Watching Hilary Duff bawl her eyes out upon reading the words on her fake letter of rejection from Princeton University in that old, old movie A Cinderella Story did strike a chord with me as I sat hunched in front of my computer screen watching a very heavily pixelated, poor-quality version of the movie that someone had uploaded. I haven't told many people, and I probably won't, but I'll admit this right here, right now, because there's nothing to hide. If not from you, at least not from myself. I have to deal with this once and for all.

I didn't get into Syracuse University.

This came, after I got rejected from a whole host of other things that I'd auditioned for, so you can imagine how stoned I was. And typing that message to send to my teachers to thank them for all their help and to apologise for I guess not being able to reap the fruits of all their effort, made me tear up in a way that I can only describe as pure, utter disappointment. That melodramatic phrase about how 'the world came crashing down' had never smelt so pungent in my room, and had never permeated my soul in such an arresting manner, because for the first time, I looked at the letter from Syracuse and thought out loud: "what now?"

I'd pinned all my hopes onto that one school for a myriad of reasons - none of which really matter anymore - and suddenly I realise that yeah I just wasn't good enough. What now? Because there was no way that I could get any better at my craft if I couldn't go to a reputable school to learn. What now. Foolishly I'd hoped that this overweight kid would be looked at by the professors and be thought of as being full of raw talent that could be groomed into competence, and that this high-pitched, male, untrained voice could propel me into the good books of the voice coaches there, or that maybe, just maybe I'd be able to touch someone over there with my acting.

Well apparently not. And if it sounds like I'm bitter, well I am. I mean what are you going to expect? I suddenly realise after months of obsessing and hoping, that going to the Syracuse website wasn't going to help anymore, or would offer a cornucopia of information that would be utterly irrelevant to me now that I've been rejected. I look at my resume that I'd prepared and all my audition tapes and my applications essays and I wonder where and how I went wrong, and if even looking that far was my first fatal error.

It sucks, to have your future tossed back at you with a very patronising "we appreciate your interest and are very sorry that we will not be able to offer you admission to Syracuse University." It's hard to suddenly be forced to look at yourself and think if maybe another route - a route more often treaded - would be better and if maybe, just maybe you're not destined for what you'd hoped for.

Maybe I'm not, and maybe I'm just stubbornly barking up the wrong tree. But I'm not going to give in that easily, and I'm not going to stop looking at that olive-leaf encrested insignia for Syracuse University with my high hopes for myself because I'm not going to give up on myself, nor on my dreams. I'm slightly embarrassed to be quoting from A Cinderella Story- a chick flick, but I'm not ashamed.

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"

Because actors starve. Period. And no matter how many times I get rejected from casting calls and auditions to acting schools, I'm not going to give up because I love what I do, and I'm not going to give up until I get the chance to do what I do. I may not be the best but I'll work my way up there. And I guess I haven't completely dealt with my reaction to the rejection from Syracuse, and maybe I never will. But I'm moving on and I'm moving back on track. I've seen the number of raised eyebrows that follow when I mouth the words "I'm want to do Musical Theatre at college", and I know they happen because I'm not skinny enough, I'm not good enough blaa blaa blaa. But that's what I want, and I'll die trying.

So yeah. I struck out once. And I'll strike out again soon. But I'm not going to move until I make a hit that's so far out of the park that it's still airborne by the time I've made my homeruns. And then I'll do it again. I'd originally written this entry to try to deal with my emotions and my thoughts. But now it looks like I'm not dealing with it, rather, just sweeping it away so that I can have the clarity of mind to deal with my future and to move on. Sure I'll need to write up another post sometime in the future when I become yet again discouraged by another big emotional investment that's gone to pot. Bear with me. But when I do make it, and mark my words that when I do, I'll write up another entry so poignant and dripping with such an intensity of triumph and satisfaction, that even you will say that it was all worth it. I owe that to myself, and the people who believe in me.

I owe it to God.