I reached home today, and I saw it. Drops and spatters of it, and I realised what had happened while I was away at school. It's not as if it was news. It had happened before and I knew it would happen again. I knew something had to be done. But why didn't I do something about it. Why did I let this happen again. And again. Over and over again. Why didn't I do something about it.

It's because I'm an escapist.

That's my way of dealing with painful things in my life. I've only just recently realised this. And it makes perfect sense, now that I've spent the past few hours rethinking about it. I keep myself insanely busy because that way I never have the strength nor time to deal with my personal issues, thoughts and problems. I substitute my own pain and anxieties with the problems of the world that I can find solutions to. I realise that I endeavour to solve the world's problems, to make the world work, to help other people find solutions to their emotional and work-related problems in order to stay as far as possible from my own. Because I know I can't solve mine. Not on my own at least, I can't.

So what do I do? I run. I escape. I bury myself in fatigue and in packed schedules and countless commitments to people around me, so I can never find the opportunity to be alone and in the state of mind to process my own issues. I don't give myself the chance to because when I do have the space, time and energy to be alone, these things come flooding back to me, demanding that they cease to be ignored. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of dealing with it. Because I don't have the solutions to them. And I know I become weak in my own skin, in my own thoughts. And I'm afraid of being weak. Because I simply can't be weak. Too much is dependent on me. And so I run.

And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

I don't know how it started. But I know that it's a little too late to change it. This isn't sad. I'm not sad. This is merely a revelation on my part. I'm pretty sure I'd realised it quite some time ago. But today, I made it clear to myself this flaw of mine. This part of myself that I have to face.

So perhaps, now that I'm an hour away from home, I'd be able to try to figure out what to about the spatters. What to do about the pain that concerns not just me, but those around me. I have to save this. Because once again. It's my responsibility to bear.